Sunday, October 23, 2005

The Reckoning


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LISTED INFLUENCES: “The father ,Son and the Holy Ghost”

UNLISTED INFLUENCES: Kirk Cameron’s The Way of the Master program. The Fat Boys. Bumper stickers depicting Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes in the midst of solemn prayer.

MEET THE MONSTERS: Blending the hip-hop penchant of intentionally poor grammar with the misguided condescension of evangelical Christianity is no easy chore. Modesto, CA’s The Servant does just that as he rap-rap-rappity-raps about the Lord, attempting to spread His message with the literacy comprehension of a mildly retarded pre-schooler recently kicked in the head by a horse.

One would think that two such seemingly similar forms of expression (proselytizing and ripping the mic old school) would go together like crosses and nails, but more often than not this kind of over-simplification of belief and faith matched with a contemporary delivery tends to crumble under the weight of its own grandiose bravado. Kinda like Creed, but with dope beats.

SONG ANALYSIS: His heart is pure, his intentions well-meaning, but The Servant’s verbal prowess only scrambles the holy message. I double-dog-dare you to make sense of lines like: “just listen while I explain I do what I do because god let me obtain / a gift used for fame / but instead flipped it showed who reigns / higher than NASA planes.” I think he’s referring to space shuttles. But, c’mon, have you ever tried to rhyme ‘shuttle’ with anything?

I guess ‘cuddle’ could work. Or ‘rebuttal.’ Or ‘scuttle.’ Or ‘befuddle.’

Come to think of it, he totally could’ve gone with ‘shuttle.’

COMING TO YOUR TOWN: yeah…uh, no.

BLOG ABOUT: The aforementioned lyrics. What? You thought I actually transcribed that shit? Cut and Paste, my friends. Now, if ya don’t mind, I gotta go shout unto God with a voice of Triumph. Muthahfuckuhz!!!


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UNLISTED INFLUENCES: chaw-induced cancer of the jaw. syphilitic delirium. stompin’ queers, commies and coloreds.

MEET THE MONSTERS: Sounding like a poor man’s Hank Williams Jr and looking like the walking zombie corpse of Dimebag Darrell, David Allen Coe gives you an idea of what it would be like if Oklahoma State Fair workers stormed the Miller Genuine Draft side stage and, in a moment of pure unbridled South Shall Rise Again anarchy, let their moonshine-soaked sensibilities get the best of them. It’s a raucous good time where common dental hygiene and taboos regarding sex with family members quickly fall to the wayside.

SONG ANALYSIS: If you’re a trucker with no ties to friends nor family and you’re planning a cross-country rampage wherein you’ll rape, disembowel and then re-rape unsuspecting Denny’s waitresses; David Allen Coe has done you a solid and recorded your personal soundtrack for such an excursion. And if that ain’t country, I’ll kiss your ass.

COMING TO YOUR TOWN: David Allan Coe plays Biketoberfest, October, 23 2005 at the Iron Horse Saloon , Ormand Beach, FL.



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UNLISTED INFLUENCES: the divorce. the stepparent. secretly having a crush on the cheerleader in their Algebra II class.

MEET THE MONSTERS: Three pretentious little toads from the middle-of-nowhere join forces to create some of the most boring and bothersome “experimental” music since the respective advents of guitar effects pedals and antidepressant pharmaceuticals. FORTRESS mistakes aimless rebellion for originality and creativity, executing a simple three-part formula: drag-ass chord changes that go nowhere, monotone vocals smothered and covered in echo and reverb to distract the listener from their complete lack of tone or melody, and (best-of-all) an hilariously high level of superiority. They proudly exclaim: “Make no mistake, we're not here to integrate into the ‘scene.’ We hate your scene. We hate YOU.” Such proclamations might hold weight if the product of their songwriting resembled something other than self-indulgent stoner muck. But as it stands this type of righteous yelping only comes off as acne-scarred sour grapes. Sorry no one asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance, guys. Better luck with Prom.

SONG ANALYSIS: Sounds like someone got some studio software for their Sweet 16 and just discovered Eno. Way to keep your thumb on the pulse, felchers.

COMING TO YOUR TOWN: …to get upset with the audience for standing twenty feet from the stage with their arms crossed.

BLOG ABOUT: “Joan Baez had a goat voice.” Whoa, that’s ballsy. These guys are trying to start some sort of rap battle beef shit. I can’t wait till they rip Gordon Lightfoot a new asshole.


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Gimme a goddamn break. Kids today. I mean, really.


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LISTED INFLUENCES: “Stevie Ray Vaughan, Metallica, KISS”

UNLISTED INFLUENCES: Marlboro Reds. the final death wail of a wounded moose. denim shorts

MEET THE MONSTERS: Jeremy, Rick and Jeff may look like deranged auto mechanics hell-bent on getting ripped on Jager and bangin’ some sluts, and they may very well be. But for our purposes they combine forces to become 5.9, describing themselves as an “Effingham, IL based acoustic band that covers songs ranging from Country, Classic Rock, Hair Rock, to Metal.” With such a varied and eclectic repertoire there is no doubt that this is a band to watch. You’ll also want to watch them because if you avert your eyes for more than three seconds these dudes look likely to jack your stereo and pawn it for rags and gasoline.

SONG ANALYSIS: “Release Me” comes right off the Sensitive Acoustic Rock Ballad assembly line: mid-tempo acoustic-electric guitars EQ’d to sound like plastic-stringed toy instruments and single-note baritone melody evocative of a tuba being played underwater. If this wasn’t appealing enough, the song often derails as the multiple plastic-stringed toy guitars go in and out of synch to no discernable, steady tempo.

COMING TO YOUR TOWN: …if your town just happens to be Effingham, IL.



malachi trizec said...

i found this page by chance & it's fuckin' brilliant!
( i suppose that'd make you fuckin' brilliant too.)

GalagaShip said...

Well done. Funny. So funny, in fact, I'm naming my first born after you. Granted, he's five now. But still.

Anonymous said...

for punk rock kids try Submerse. the lead singer is a clone copy of the singer from Rancid
its funny i tell you because they sound nothing like them!

Brushback said...

Great frickin' blog. What a great idea. I am in awe.

Anonymous said...

im in love.

thank you for making me laugh.


MySpace Layouts said...

You can opt for some better word than that cuddle or rebuttal.