Saturday, December 31, 2005


The distinction of being the first annual MySpace Monster of the Year goes to my new personal hero, Daveaux Lynam: drummer, vocalist and “international sex symbol” for the Birmingham, Alabama glitter-pop-metal trio LYNMAN.

To see why an individual would be singled out for such a distinguished accolade generally reserved for bands you need only visit his MySpace blog. Skip the ones about his Lake Tahoe ski trip where he's wearing enough eyeliner to sustain a casino resort revue. Oh, so metal.

Go straight to his blogs titled: “This might be the biggest monster EVER! So easy!” or “We meet another Monster on Myspace!” Observe the distinct similarities. Notice that he does not identify these hilarious word-for-word plagiarisms as anything but his own keen insight. Take into account that on one single blog he gets upwards of 30 comments, compared to the paltry handful of praise that is garnered on this very page. Then kick me in the ass for not copyrighting this garbage.
For Daveaux Lynam (heretofore referred to as The Little Bitch), imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. He looks like Ricki Rocket. His band sounds like Trixter. He sucks cock like my grandmother. And he STOLE MY SHIT! You want irony? Here’s some irony, friend. His profile page’s personal quote is: “Often imitated, never duplicated!”

Son of a fuck.

Nothing gets my nipples all a-twitter like people stumbling across this site and digging it. As much as I love laughing at people, I really love people laughing with me. But when some syphilitic, salon-styled poseur comes along and straight bites my dope rhymes, well, I can’t take too kindly to that. On the street that’ll get your ass shot.

The Little Bitch didn’t even have the croutons to friend request me. Maybe he thought he could get away with it if I never saw his site. Think again, Little Bitch.

UPDATE: After a few days and some heated exchange where this walking queef factory claims that he posted bulletins giving me credit (that no one saw) and sent a mass e-mail to all his MySpace friends explaining that this was someone else's work (which is patently impossible), I requested that he remove my blogs and he complied. But he went down swinging. His comments in blue, mine in red...

I had no idea you were such a miserable person and had such little going for you that you had days of free time to round up buddies to chew me out before even getting a response from me.

I didn't so much "round up buddies" as simply post a bulletin. What people did, many of them not really knowing anything about me or this blog, was of their own volition and out of a general distaste for artistic theft.

Your insecurity about all of this is disgusting.

Protecting my material and my own opinions are my right. It has nothing to do with being insecure. That I make fun of these bands in the first place, now that's insecure.

You act like these blogs are the Beatle's masters.

Actually, I think they're a lot funnier. Don't forget: just like Elvis and Vanilla Ice, when they started out The Beatles appropriated black music to make themselves rich. I'm sure Daveaux can identify with this time-tested business plan.

I truly shouldn't be suprised that you're this much of a shithead. I'm sure you'll go real far in this business with your personality (flaw).

Yes, I am this much of a shithead. Though, I'm not sure what "business" he's referring to as I write this nonesense for free and make it available to readers at no cost. Maybe THAT'S why I won't go far in this business.

I'll be a gent and let my worthy adversary have the last word...

You need to go sling a tampon in that bloody snatch of yours and go write some more hits.